I think about myself too much...

            I was writing my second post, recounting memories from the pubescent period of my life, when I found my purpose. I found what I want to write about! I want to make everyone see how beautiful they are- inside and out. I want to help at least just one soul through a difficult situation or just be here to discuss their thoughts on any aspect of life.

          Throughout the more painfully awkward, and yes, they were legitimately awkward, months/years of my life, I felt a sense of solitude and isolation. I knew countless other people felt the same way as me, but I felt like I was immediately surrounded by prettier, thinner, and more confident young individuals. I battled with self-esteem issues and had zero confidence for a couple years. I'll go into details in the future, too much to write on that subject right now without ranting.

         Having just gone through this awful stage of every young person's life, I feel that I have a unique perspective and a right/duty to help and share my experiences and input. I don't feel that it's right for adults to give us young people advice on the subject of becoming less awkward and more comfortable with ourselves; they have forgotten how during this time you don't want to listen to other people, especially adults about anything. You will feel shitty for no reason at all; you body's turning against you and your mind is just f'ed up from chemicals you didn't ask for. You're trying to transition to an older you, figuring out what little parts of yourself you're allowed to hold on to and what you're being forced to give up. You're changing inside and out into a person you don't know or understand, and, as my personal favorite saying says, "The only thing to fear is the unknown." 

       People will try and make you feel better or relate to you, but more times than not, it will just make you feel worse (or in my case it did).

A personal struggle of mine was that everyone acted so nice. Too nice. I was in a place where everyone masked problems and just smiled instead of addressing them, so instead of someone asking me how I really was, I'd be told how pretty I was that day, or how much they liked my shoes, jacket, etc. But, no matter how many times someone calls you beautiful or tells you how much they love you and enjoy your company, you won't believe it until you have accepted yourself. You have to learn to LOVE YOURSELF. It's a gradual thing, it doesn't just happen overnight. Everyone struggles with this in their own ways, but we don't acknowledge it because they mask it better than we feel we do.

     I am an awkward person, I have refused to grow out of being a "cute" little nine year old that runs around in mismatched tights and t-shirts humming to  myself, completely oblivious while imagining the world around me is more that it seems.

       Anyways, I don't mean the "cute" awkward that is portrayed on television. I mean that I still wear stripes and polkadots at the same time. I still have those awful hair days where I'm too lazy to shower and walk around smelling like a fifteen year old boy, with the greasy hair to match sticking out from a beanie. I still clam up when I talk to super attractive people and find social outings incredibly strange. I have anxieties and insecurities and so, so many imperfections. I can list so many things about myself that I found annoying or wished to change, and still want to, but I have found a way to accept them and think of these blips as endearing and what makes me Me.

           But enough about my narcissistic-ness and back to my plan: I want to, somehow, help at least one person through a rough patch. I will continue writing about my life, being open to any discussion as I do so. I just hope I can help someone to feel how amazing they are and let them know that it all gets better after they do so.

           Stay colorful,

                             Molly.

P.S.

A few things I thought helped to "brighten" my days:


1.) Find something you love and obsess about it.

2.) Find something you love to do and do the shit out of it.

3.) Find someone you admire (fictional, someone you know, celebrity) and look for the specific qualities you find so amazing in them. 

4.) (This one's tricky, because you don't want to lose yourself and become someone you aren't...) Imitate the qualities in said admired person, don't copy them, but find certain quirks you have in common with them. This is important because it can help you find the qualities about yourself that you love.

5.) Don't take everything (or anything really) too seriously; life is really just one big joke and the more you fight it, the less fun it gets.

6.) Keep a sort of "diary" in which you write at least three things a day that make you smile/you love (even if you've had a shitty day- it might actually help more).
7.) Relax. Find your way to do it. (Walks, reading, drawing, writing, singing/music appreciation, anything).